FAMILY & PARENTING Desperate Boyfriend Asks For Help While Living With Girlfriend And Her ‘Defiant’ 4-Year-Old
A man on Reddit learned that lesson the hard way after he allowed his girlfriend of six months to move in with her 4-year-old son.
Many people will point out that six months is typically too soon to be moving in together, let alone with a child involved. This guy never addresses why or how they came to the arrangement. He explains that before the move, he and his girlfriend spoke openly about expectations. He told her that the behavior he’d witnessed so far wasn’t going to fly in his house.
The girlfriend agreed and committed to making changes.
The problem went much deeper than he thought. The little boy has been raised without rules of any kind. He has grown up thinking he only has to listen to certain people. Sadly, his mom is not one of them, which makes correcting the behavior that much harder. Torn on what to do about the situation, he turned to the internet for some advice.
Sometimes, you get more than you bargained for when you rush into a relationship at full speed. One man found himself in just such a situation. He explained to Reddit’s parenting forum that he allowed his girlfriend and her 4-year-old son to move in with him after the couple had been dating for six months.
He explained that her son had never been disciplined before in any significant way. He was occasionally told to stop doing something, but wouldn’t incur any consequences if he decided not to listen. Before they went ahead with the move, he and his girlfriend discussed the expectations of the boy’s behavior.
“I explained to her before moving in that I had rules for my home and that [I know] he isn’t my child and I won’t try to act the dad route since it isn’t my place,” he noted.
He explained that the boy’s dad was “somewhat in the picture,” so he didn’t want to overstep. When the conversation was over, the man felt he and his girlfriend were on the same page.
When they moved in, he realized that wasn’t the case. He hoped things would get better with time, but six months in, he’s still unhappy with the situation.
“In the past 6 months the child has become more and more defiant,” he revealed.
“He refuses to listen to his mother. When I ask him who he has to listen to he says that he only has to listen to his grandmother (GF’s aunt) and his 2 aunts (GF’s cousins) as he spent his first 3 [years] living with them and his mother.”
He explained that in their previous living situation, the girlfriend’s aunt would take care of the little boy. She often ignored his mom’s wishes in favor of her own and taught the child to follow suit.
“[It] made him think that ‘mom’ can be walked all over, talked down to, and be completely ignored,” he said.
“I explained how I want her to teach him the meaning and power the title of mom is supposed to hold on a child,” he continued.
“She agreed to do that and began putting him in timeouts, as that was the only form of punishment that made him listen (albeit for [a] very brief period of time). It was so shocking to him in the beginning that when he went to visit his [grandma] again after about a month he ran off, hid, and cried when his mom said it was time to leave and come back.”
He explained that the boy has tried running back to his grandma’s house another two times since the initial incident. This was made worse by the fact that grandma has gotten the child into a new habit that neither this guy nor his girlfriend approves of.
“A few weeks ago his [grandma] said something to my GF in front of him about having to spend some time with him while he’s in bed,” the poster added.
This suggestion has caused havoc at bedtime. “He took it as a command for his mom to sleep together with him and has ever since been crying, throwing tantrums, and refusing to go to sleep by his bedtime,” he said.
“[He] typically will fall asleep 2 hours later after being talked to multiple times and being put on [time out] subsequently.”
The bedtime tantrums have now become the norm. They leave this guy feeling conflicted. “I’ve pretty much had it already because I don’t know where I’m supposed to step in, or stay on the side and watch it all unravel,” he said.
The guy expresses some thoughts that lead us to believe this situation isn’t going to work out in the long run. “I tried to talk to him and calm him down, explain that he needs to sleep alone, but lately I’ve been so sick of his behavior I just refuse to talk or play with him,” he admitted.
He also admitted this isn’t the first time he’s found himself in such a situation.
“I’ve had other relationships with women that had children before, always ended due to me not being able to handle watching from the side and let bad behavior fester,” he continued. “I don’t really know what to do. I’m very unhappy with the situation and want it to change, but [I] am completely lost in what I should do.”
“Reality is you are never gonna be the parent,” one commenter bluntly offered.
“You’re not just dating the mom, you’re entering a weird dynamic where you have all the responsibility of being a father with none of the authority – that is why most guys avoid these kinds of relationships. She either has to let you take on some dad authority or this situation probably won’t improve much and you should consider if the relationship is worth it.”
There was only one other comment that really seemed to resonate with the poster. “Your girlfriend needs to set some basic rules for him, and enforce them 100%, to get on the right path. No more visits to grandma for a while,” the commenter replied.
“But, for you, there’s a hard thing. You need to stay out of it. Do not try to set rules with this kid outside of what his mother has done. If you try to, then *you* are undermining her as well, and things will continue to go badly.”
“Also, you were really not sufficiently clear about what you wanted before she moved in. Either you never saw her interact with her son before, or you saw it and expected it to magically change [at] your house, which is not a realistic expectation. That’s really surprising to me since you’ve apparently done this at least twice before.”
“Very likely your girlfriend will not get her son to a level that you find acceptable, and she’ll have to move out, and you’ll probably break up. Please don’t let another single mom move in with you without being excruciatingly specific about what you want.”
It seems pretty clear this guy got himself in over his head. While his intentions may have been good, this situation had a bad foundation, to begin with. It seems like this couple is headed for a split. As sad as it is, hopefully, everyone involved learns from the situation and grows.
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